we have all been intoxicated by the chemistry of love. Chemicals are confusing. They alter our perception of reality and play tricks on our minds. Committing to a lifetime partnership while high on the chemistry of love is like choosing to get a tattoo on hallucinogenics. love with a little L is a feeling; a digestible changing feeling, that comes and goes and comes again. love with the little L is child’s play, it’s a warm up for something even bigger; Love with the big L. Love, the verb, the action, the choice. Confusing the powerful feeling of love and the raw power of the verb, Love, was the source of pain and darkness in my life on more than occasion. And I am done with it.
My love stories have shaped my life. Learning to fall in love with myself took me 30 years and if that wasn't dramatic and messy enough, learning to purely, truly, deeply, unconditionally love someone else has been nothing short of a Telemundo soap opera. Freedom has always been my highest value. Freedom to be myself, to express my heart and to live in the wildness of my life. I’ve always struggled with feeling afraid that if I committed to something, someone, anything, that the hidden price tag could be my personal freedom. And without my freedom life would suck and be meaningless… I WAS WRONG. I was so wrong. I am willingly admitting that through Love and the Supernatural fire of commitment, I have finally found real freedom.
It's no secret. Tommy and I have a powerFULL partnership. Our marriage vows were sealed with I WILL. I am willing. I will show up. I will not quit. I will go ALL IN. I will do the work. We work at lifting each other up. We commit to fueling and supporting each others interests and dreams. We invest in growing together and as individuals.
AND WE ALSO HAVE CONFLICT. WE ARE SO MESSY. Sometimes we are so raw because we are so different and that my friends is OUR SECRET WEAPON. OUR INNATE DIVINE DIFFERENCES bond us and make us the perfect fit.
Marriage is a mirror where our ugliest shit gets reflected back right in our faces everyday until we are willing to work on it and through it. We are not perfect. We just refuse to quit. On ourselves, on each other, on our family, on our dreams.
In a world wired for sympathetic stress, it is completely natural to fight, flight or freeze in the face of conflict. It's natural because in the frenzy of all the shit we are doing, our brains are programmed to recognize emergency situations and trigger the fear response. BUT THE VAST MAJORITY OF OUR CONFLICTS AREN'T EMERGENCIES. They aren't even dangerous and we damn sure aren't victims. But our minds ARE dangerous. Our minds are saturated with the stress and LIES of everything we think we should and have to be doing. When our minds are full of fear, our primitive reflexes of fight or flight are triggered and we don’t see THE reality, we see OUR reality.
For me, when left unchecked, the victim mindset runs wild, setting fire to my dreams and happiness, simply because a story inside my mind, that's playing on repeat, is throwing a fit for it's survival. When I'm in victim mode, I contract away from expressing my true feelings for what I convince myself is my very survival. I make up a story or latch on to an old one as an excuse for my victimhood and sail my ship like a pirate. And that's where Tommy comes in. That’s where he shows up in my story. Sometimes in a lighthouse to guide me back to the shore of reality, sometimes on another ship, guns ablazin, refusing to let me and my dreams and my happiness sink with the fucking Titanic.
Committing to the action of love, is willingness. Being willing to show back up in the arena with you. Together, fighting the only barrier to our happiness and light, ourSELVES. A partner to be a nightLight in the darkness of your own demons and secrets, not fight for you but with you. Not your Savior, but your Armor Barrer. WILLINGNESS comes from withIN. This is the Supernatural part of marriage. We all house the spark of the Divine Spirit. It’s this spark that in the dark can see the Light. When you find your SOULmate, and through you Supernatural Innate Insight recognize the Spirit of God in their eyes, we may not always be ABLE to reflect and give LOVE, but its the commitment to WILLINGNESS, that creates the safely for us to completely reveal the BIGness of the BEing withIN. Willingness to give UP the fallacy that we should never be uncomfortable and giving IN to the truth that Life begins at the end of our comfort zone. Allowing the Supernatural Spirit that gives and directs LIFE to work from withIN us, and express our DIVINE uniqueness despite our best efforts to camaflouge it.
In the Willingness of our marriages, we have the opportunity to unify with someone on our journey that calls us out from hiding behind our stories and excuses and cages and limits we've built for ourselves and into supernatural LIGHT of the sun, despite our scars. Tommy naturally sees my Light and strength. Our mutual appreciation for each other is what sparked the fire of our attraction. But what makes us powerful and so deeply in Love is more than that.
Marriage is a radically spiritual commitment. To not only see your light, but to witness holes and weakness, to have the courage to bring them to my awareness and the compassion to deliver the message without criticism and judgment. Not breaking you down, but breaking you apart.
Breaking you apart; like the root ball of a plant, long set in its ways, assuming the pot it was planted in is the limit of its existence and growth. Breaking you apart, to help you grow into the biggest, fullest, most expansive version of yourself. Breaking you apart, to let the Light of truth IN.
In radical commitment you have the freedom, if you dare to be heard and known and in the process become more aware and understanding of your self. Marriage isn't natural, it’s Supernatural. It’s digging inside of ourselves when we have nothing left and finding the indestructible Spirit that live withIN and never quits.
Marriage is the agreement and Love is the action. An agreement to support your lover as they go on a journey into the deepest places of ourselves and go after the life of their dreams.
When we are imprisoned by our own minds and our own belief systems, we lock away the most powerFULL, attractive, amazing parts of ourselves. In a world where fight or flight is natural, MARRIAGE IS SUPERNATURAL.
Marriage says YES.
I will trust the higher power that not only flows thru this universe but flows through my veins. The higher power that animates my body and is the very life in my cells and power in my voice. I will trust the divine in me will see and lift up the divine in YOU. MARRIAGE says bring it out, bring it ON; in the storm I WILL have your back.